Hello it's IR. Here is chapter three of the Fire Burns Deep book. I hope you guys like it. It better be better than chapter 2. Please review.
The blue eyes snapped open. They were wide and alert. The boy lay drenched, in a shallow pool of his own sweat. His mouth formed a thin line as he struggled onto his feet. His robes were dark with blood and stained with soot. Long hair dangled over his eyes and as a slight breeze whistled past, he pulled a hood over his head, completely enveloping his face in shadow.
Slowly and carefully he took in his surroundings, trying his best to stay calm. Instantly he saw two things: one, he was no longer in the forest, and two, he was in a room like nothing none other he had ever seen.
The ground on which he stood was brown, and smooth, not like that of rock, but of sanded and smoothed wood. The room was not square, for the walls were not strait. They were curved and slanted, like the natural growth of a tree. It smelled like fresh pine needles, and as he looked up, he saw a dark sky, there was no roof; just a vast opening towards the above
Looking around, there were no furnishings, which made the boy furrow his brow. He traced his hand on the wooden wall and his fingers came away clean. There was only a doorway at the far end, the revealed more night.. Quickly, the boy’s hands darted into his. robes. His mouth dropped open, and he let out a low groan. A voice met his ears, a low gruff voice. His hands appeared back out his robes and they clenched into fists. A small man entered the room through the doorway, carrying two pales of water that sloshed out onto the floor. The little mans eyes widened in surprise when he saw the boy. The buckets dropped onto the floor, the water completely spilling out. The man stood there, still, and looked at the boy with fear.
“Where am I?” the boy said and his arms rose and motioned around to the room. The light in the room was a small, lit, torch that sent shadows dancing onto the walls.
“What do you mean?” the man asked quietly, his hand slowly stroking his brown mustache.
“What happened to me and where is it!” He said louder. The little man jumped inside. Both of them had fear in their eyes.
“You-were attacked. We saved you and brought you here.” He said,picking up one of the pales.
“Where is it?” He said. “You filthy swine, who took it?” The boy said and in two strides he was face to face with the man.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about-I swear!” he said and took a step back. “We found you, half-dead, in the middle of a forest fire, blood seeping from various wounds on your body. You would be dead if we hadn’t taken you here.”
“That’s just it! Where is here?” the boy said lowly, and pushed the man against the wall.
“Are you crazy! This is the home of the Haeli! How couldn’t you know?” The man said. He tried to struggle past the boy but failed. A slight glimmer of recognition crossed the boy’s face, and then it disappeared.
“Oh, I’ve heard of you, but where I come from, you’re just a legend!” the boy said and pinned the man’s shirt up against the wall with his hand. The man didn’t look normal. He was even smaller than the boy. He had a long mustache that drooped over his mouth, and he wore a type of fabric that felt silky. “Are you telling me, that I was teleported to the home of the Haeli?”
“Teleported? We assumed the Tzaargs just caught you by surprise.” The man stammered out. The boy turned around and paced towards the other wall.
“I need to get back.” He said to himself and his flexed his hands in anger.
“Go back where?” The man asked.
“But first I need it.” The boy murmured.
“The only way out of here is the river. Unless you wish the Tzaargs to finish you off.” The man said. The boy looked up, like he just remembered the man was here.
“You can get me out of here?” he asked.
“As far as the forest goes, than you’re on your own. My cousin can take you. But we’ll have to meet him. I don’t even know your name!” He said.
“We must leave tonight.” The boy said. “And as for you- I also have no name.” the boy said.
“My name is Dendin, and-and if you want to leave tonight, I will have to take you to him now. Will you at least give me a name to give him?” The man asked. The boy walked over to the doorway. Without looking back he answered.
“Call me Mastavon.”
---
Part two.... New addition
The bar was a dimly lit room, that had old stained floors and low, wood rafters that were barely high enough for Mastavon to stand upright when he walked in, accompanied be Dendin. The room was large and smelled of sour beer. Hundreds of Haeli seemed to be packed into the room and the ruckus, roars of laughter could be heard far down the road. The room was lit by lanterns, which were strung up on the ceiling and dangled down like spiders.
Instantly as Mastavon entered, he scuffled to the shadows in the corner, and they enveloped him. Dendin strode proudly in, and was greeted by many cheers and slaps on the back. He slowly made his way through, weaving around the old, oak tables that speckled the room until he reached a particular one at the center.
A Haeli, even shorter than Dendin with broad, muscled shoulders, sat, leaning heavily on his mug of beer. He spoke in a whisper, and everybody at the table edged closer to hear. Dendin stood, his arms crossed, with a smile on his face behind the Haeli.
“And than-a fish-even bigger than the boat, swooshed out and swallowed him whole!” He exclaimed, with his eyes wide excitement.
“That’s the biggest load of tzung I’ve heard since-“Another Haeli roared with disappointment on his face.
“Yeah-I wouldn’t believe that after a million kegs!” Another chimed in. A dark look began to take form on the speakers face as people claimed that his story was false. Than he stood up, his fists flat on the wood of the table. His shoulders were broad, and his dark, black mustache swayed below his chin. A scar circled around his left eye, like somebody had tried to rip his eyeball out with a spoon. One of the more drunk Haeli didn’t notice the fierceness in his eyes.
“Yeah, that’s a load of-“he began- and a calloused fist cracked against his jaw. It became silent, as everybody registered what had just happened, than the whole table of Haeli collided, fists and bones meeting. Dendin took a stepped back and kept on smiling. After a boot smacked an innocent victim from another table, the whole room joined the fight. Haeli started jumping off tables and roars of anger shook the room.
Mastavon seemed to appear out of nowhere beside Dendin.
“That’s him isn’t it?” Mastavon inquired in a whisper.
“Who’s who?” Dendin asks back, still laughing inwardly. Mastavon’s pale finger rises, pointing to the man who had told the story and laid the first punch. Dendin nods his head and giggles. “Your cousin.”
“Yep, that’s me old cousin Bendis. Always was a rough one as a child; never liked when people didn’t believe him.” Dendin said over the din. “He isn’t a liar. He just stretches the truth, that’s all.”
“Most people would argue that that is lying.” Mastavon said, a slight grin forming on his face, as a certain rosy faced Haili was thrown off a table and landed, sprawling in front of them. The Haeli slow stood up, brushing the dust off his bedraggled clothes.
“Dendin, what are you doing here?” Bendis scoffed. “I never thought you’d be one to take part in bar brawl.” Bendis said and straitened out his mustache and ducked as a mug soared over his head, shattering on the wall. “And who’s this stranger?” Mastavon remained silent so Dendin answered the question.
“Well, I didn’t fight.” Dendin answered and motioned to his clothes. “And if you weren’t drunk, you would know that, because I am perfectly clean. And as to who this is-“ Dendin now motioned toward Mastavon. “He is a stranger, as you said. His name is Mastavon.” The boy’s darted over the gradually ending fight for eavesdroppers. “He needs a ride on your boat out of the forest.” Dendin whispered. Bendis took a step back, and his forehead wrinkled.
“Why would you want to leave? There’s nothing out there but wild land?” Bendis asked his fingers now stroking his mustache. Mastavon lowered his hood, and Bendis’s mouth twitched in surprise at how young he was.
“That’s what you think, coming from a society that has never left your walls. In the rest of the world, and yes, there is more than this, much-much more, your race is a legend. So in a way, we are both blind, but even so, I must leave. There is a city of men out there. It’s called Arkavon, and if I don’t reach there in four sunrises, than even this secluded world of yours will come to an end.” Mastavon said. Both Dendin, and Bendis looked at each other with wide eyes.
“You mean-there is more-out there?” Dendin asks, waving his hands in the air.
“If you only knew. Imagine-cities-that cover miles, and forests of crimson red. Huge birds that soar in the sky breathing fire. You couldn’t imagine a fraction of it.” Mastavon exclaimed.
“We must go!” Bendis said with vigor, pumping a fist. Mastavon let out a breath of relief, than his face became darker.
“The world is not as good as it used to me. Look at me, a mere boy, with a dominance of a man! For every good deed, there are a thousand evils. Do you wish to accompany me, for where I go, many others will follow, but it’s not guaranteed any will return.” Mastavon questioned. Dendin and Bendis replied in unison.
“We’ll leave at once.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey infinite reality! Told you I would get around to looking at the new addition to this after November.
All right, the stuff in my previous review was about the general direction this story is going, so I would urge you to keep that in mind as you keep writing. Your newest addition to this is nice; I see a wonderful improvement thus far. 
I'm just going to nitpick a few things:
long, loaded first sentence! I would suggest taking this apart a little bit; that way you can devote more emphasis to both Mastavon's arrival and the appearance of the bar.
I'm wondering whose POV this is from. I want to say Mastavon due to the first paragraph, but then I would think we need more reaction from Mastavon? If he scuffles to the corner, what is he thinking/doing when Dendin walks in so proudly?
Some great charaterization here. Lovely. And getting his eyeball ripped out with a spoon? Eeks!
Mmm, fight scene. Hippie has mentioned that the sentences could be more snappy, and I agree with him here. Also, the word smacked bothers me. Does a boot really smack someone?
Again, good characterization, but I am still wondering where my POV focus should lie. You've written this story in 3rd person with a POV focus thus far, so I'm wondering where my focus should lie here.
Why are we suddenly in present tense?
Mmm, this dialogue is wonderful. I feel like Mastavon is starting to get his own voice, so, when you're editing, look to these moments of dialogue-shining to help you make him more consistent.
I'm not getting a very clear image of Dendin, sadly. This dialogue seems out character for him, but I don't know him enough to really say.
You are writing some wonderful dialogue for Mastavon! Beautiful writing/speaking here.
All in all, your latest addition was very well done. I would suggest a once-over for missing words, the word 'then' and some grammar stuff, but I think you can cover that on your own.
Oh no, I'm late. Sorry. I guess you could say that I couldn't see your PM through the mountain of exam study surrounding me
Your description is vivid as always, but try and keep sentences shorter than this.
They aren't far down the road though. It feels as though I've been ripped away from Mastavon's point of view and put outside just for the sake of knowing how far away I could hear the bar from.
"enveloping" is a fairly cliche thing for shadows to do. Really there's no need for the part after the comma. I do like this and the next sentence in how they show the difference in Mastavon and Dendin's characters.
The dashes are unnecessary. Also, than should be then. You did this a couple of times.
I just picked this sentence, but this applies to any sentence. In an action scene, to make the pace snappy, remove unnecessary words and do lots of short, sharp sentences. E.g: #BF0000 ">A boot smacked an innocent. The whole room joined the fight.
It's not perfect, but you catch my drift? Don't overdo it. Use your discretion as to which sentences to shorten and which words to cut.
Rises is present tense.
You've also put this in present tense when it shouldn't be. I believe you intended for Mastavon to be speaking here. If you put it after Dendin's action though, it sounds like Dendin's talking.
Bendis was talking in the first bit. The second bit is about Mastavon, so it should be on another line. Otherwise it looks as though mastavon was asking about the stranger.
All of these dashes can go.
As a final thought, I think Bendis and Dendin were unrealistically fast to decide to accompany Mastavon. They didn't ask any questions about what the unkown world was like, so they're essentially saying they'll go on a quest that they know nothing about, to a place they know nothing about, with a person they know nothing about. I think you need to put a bit more reason behind their decision. Otherwise it was good.
Hey there infinite reality! I got here sooner than expected.
This was, indeed, much better than chapter 2. You're grasping the way your sentences sound and it's working wonders for the way your writing flows. Also, the character development in this piece was extremely well done. I got a very good feel for the boy and for the man. Your usage of body language was subtle but well-interspersed with the dialogue. Very nice. So, at this point, you've worked out a lot of sentence kinks and I think GSP and Hippie have addressed most of the sentence level issues. So I want to talk to you about your story thus far for a minute, okay? 
As for the overall suggestions I have given, just try to slow down. Read some books with multiple characters and see how they do it. It will help. Promise. 
Please do PM me if you have any questions and keep writing!
I've gone back and read this from the prologue to this chapter, and I think one of the things you can really do to improve this is make it more cohesive. Right now your chapters are rather short and that is not necessarily bad, but I'm having a hard time grasping your world and characters overall. As I've said, character development in this portion was well-done, but I have a hard time identifying how the boy fits into the story and where he belongs in previous chapters. So far, you have introduced the old man in the prologue, Vladimor in chapter 1, a group of wizards and a character who I assume is the boy in this chapter and then the boy in this chapter. There was also the boy in the prologue, but I'm not sure whether to assume that is him or not. I'm not so bothered about not knowing that early on, but the rapid introduction of the characters other than the boy is something worth addressing.
Right now I feel like you are firing characters at me in rapid succession, but the chapters and scenes are not long enough to give me a good feeling for any character until this chapter. Also, your descriptions are lovely, but I don't feel like I'm very well-grounded in your world. I have been introduced to lots of wizards, but I don't know who they are, where they live, what role they play. The wizards seem distant and it's very jarring to be introduced to them so rapidly this early on in the story. I feel like we have the case of short scenes with characters being introduced in succession that is too rapid for the opening of a story.
Mind you, there's nothing wrong with plunging the reader into your story straight in the middle and not explaining things for a while, but, as a reader, I am grasping for some character to whom I can latch onto and follow until things make more sense. First, you introduced Vladimor and I thought he might be that. Then I got a boy and some wizards and this is the first chapter where I really feel like I'm connecting with your character and following his journey. My suggestions? Slow down a little bit and help us connect with this boy, then start delving into the grand institutions and characters like wizards. If you don't want to explain wizards at the beginning, that is completely fine, but I need some grounding in one character if I'm going to not be lost with the lack of information. Does that make sense? I know it's a very broad suggestion, but I think really taking a look at your chapters thus far all together and thinking about how to help the reader connect with one character to guide them through the learning about your world would be helpful. I have no problem with lots of characters and settings; I just feel a little lost by the short bursts of action in each chapter and the rapid introduction of all these characters.
Regarding this chapter specifically, as I've said, your sentene work is improving greatly and I would just continue to urge you to watch out for parallel sentence structure. A marvelous improvement. The characters were well-developed in this chapter and I would have liked a little more descriptive grounding in the setting (seeing what about the house makes it so special, what sets these Haeli apart etc.), but this is a wonderful improvement, infinite reality, and I really liked the connection I felt with the boy. I found it a little strange how the main character is described as a boy and he is pinning a man against the wall (the image just didn't puzzle out real well), but I don't know enough about this boy to tell if that's intentional or not. Just think about it.
A very nice chapter and I can't wait to read more.
Hi IR. This is better than chapter 2.
Double negative.
A bit too wordy here. There's no need to say it's not like rock, if you tell us it's like wood.
You should switch the 2nd comma and semicolon around.
The second comma is unnecessary.
New paragraph beggining at "What happened...
Is this the actual name or a placeholder? Because it sounds like masturbate.
The description was vivid, although a little wordy at times. Good character development too.
Hey Infinite, Morgan here again.
No apostrophe here. It should look like this;
I found a couple mistakes here. I'll show you how it should look.
No period at "his. robes."
It may look better as;
His what flexed in anger?
This was a little confusing. I don't understand the last sentence.
That's all I found. I love it, please post more!
Happy YWSing!
Morgan (Crocky)